The Oscars race is wide open

Coming. The Academy Ughs. A small red carpet will lead directly to the can. But only to the ladies’ room — because it’s fie and foo to our male foes.

We’re up in arms (covered after a certain age) and once female slow-learners learn sex without Tom, Dick or Irving, it’s gone with that whole masculine tribe. Delivering packages? Mailwomen. Redoing a kitchen? Contractorettes. Changing homes and need moving men? Moving ladies. Eff all those moves dudes were making.

And toilets with unmovable seats? Freedom!

Which, for some reason, brings up this year’s really quiet Oscars.

“The Shape of Water.” Specialists, crabbing that awards now have nothing to do with content, say the win’s fishy. Might swim with the sharks. Not everyone’s insane for a film about a fish. The thing’s staying quiet, and so’s Sally Hawkins.

Frances McDormand? Great triple threat starting back in those “Fargo” days, but those who know — not me — say being unglamorous doesn’t help the top prize.
Timothée Chalamet. Too young — 22. The kid can’t believe his luck. He knows he’s a nonwinner — but also knows his biggie “Beautiful Boy” is coming right behind. So’s his Woody Allen one that’s stalled in terms of release.

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